ARRRRGGGH!!!!

I have had so much anger lately and I can't seem to let it go. I'm not the type to hold on to it for days or weeks and it's been building. I am upset with my boss, some of my co-workers, guests at my job, how my career or lack there of is going. I just need to get off my ass and get going on things. I also need to keep my mouth shut about what I'm doing professionally. I feel that very strongly and it's what my intuition is telling me. I know what I need to work on and I'm going to be doing it. I have 2 books, a untitled project with a friend we're developing and I have something I'm ready to shoot. I need to find a producer or two for the project I want to shoot, location scout and raise funds, $2,500.00 should do.

In the next six months, no by next July I need to be living in West Hollywood and I need to be making more money from industry related projects. I also need to find a more industry related job, building my casting business, casting website, casting vlog, just building my businesses. I have stood in the shadows for too long waiting for the right time to do things and I just need to make things happen. I am so tired of barely living and I need to tell the stories that are buried deep within me and they all bubble to the surface in bits and pieces, in Ideas and scenes and full scripts and some things write themselves and some things take time to write.

It's just been an eye opener looking at what's going on in my life and seeing where I want to go. I see it and I am going to make it happen! nuf said!

The Aloha!

I spent two and a half years working for Norwegian Cruise Lines America. I started working for them at a time in my life when I had just ended a eight year relationship that had been through a evolution of its own. I had shut down during that eight years and I had had enough. I cut off the relationship. I ended it and I picked a fight to do it. I packed all of my stuff, called my parents and asked for a plane ticket to Florida and the next day I was there. I was bruised and beaten emotionally, and had family relationships to repair, still do. I needed space and time to heal from that eight years and I had heard about this cruise ship opportunity from that person I just ended things with and I considered it. I applied went to a job fair for the company, was hired on the spot and left two months later for training.

I spent three weeks in training and was hoping to get sent to the new ship the line was bringing out, but that didn't happen, I was sent to the Aloha. I was freaked out to be going back to Hawaii so soon, but I believe God gives us only what we can handle and I went back knowing I could come in contact this the person I just ended my relationship with, to say I was freaked out may be an understatement!

I also knew I was going to open myself up emotionally. It was scary after being shut down for so long, but I knew it was time to open up again and I did. I made some mistakes with people, but I also dated someone on my first contract. It ended after I came back from vacation, but I was okay and I was learning to be in relationships with people, cultivating friendships. It was a great time in my life and I was happy. The best things to come out of working on the ship were my friendship with my best friend Elicia and finding out I wanted to go to film school. I miss the people, but I would never trade working on the ship for anything. It helped my to grow and be a better friend.

Coming Out

One of the guys I work with just came out on Facebook. Being a gay man and understanding how hard it is to come out and deal with this, you would think I would be supportive and understanding right? Well, I heard it and thought it was a joke, he always talked about girls. I am shocked and it blows my perception of my friend, I’m still in shock even now and I’m really having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea my friend is gay. 

I never actually saw the post the day he did it. It was not until a few days later that I saw it. I read all of the support and well wishes and I want to be supportive it’s just going to take me some time to get use to this. Here’s the thing, I’m upset at my reaction and I can’t believe I of all people am reacting this way.

After reflecting on my reaction, I understand better why friends, family and co-workers don’t react well when people come out. It shocks some people and your whole perception of that person is blown out of the water. You don’t want to believe it. I know it hurts to be rejected by people when you come out. I have experienced it myself. 

It takes so much courage to do what he did and it can be a struggle to come to terms with who you are. I am so proud of him. I am going to take my reaction and turn it into a positive by sharing my reaction to help others. I know when I came out I braced for some rejection. I was lucky I wasn’t rejected by my family and close friends at the time. I hope my friend knows I support him and love the person he is.

The Holiday Season

It's been a while since I've last posted, I've been working on some family issues and can't really blog about it right now, but I've been doing well. I am so happy today I cried tears of joy over making candy bar cookies. I know it may sound strange, but those are my favorite cookies at Christmas. I have such good memories of baking with my mom and all of the smells of the season. I loved all of the shopping and gift giving and I felt the love of the season. The cold crisp weather and snow those were good times.

For a while there I wasn't so happy and the season didn't make me so happy anymore. I busied myself with work and worrying about having enough money. Then when I went through a bit of depression a few years ago I realized I am the maker of my fate and from that point my life started to be what I wanted it to be. Then a blessing came to me this year disguised as my grandmother's passing.  It forced me to deal with my feelings and I took that opportunity to work on me. I wanted to put a painful past of bullying, of not feeling good enough, of being ashamed of who I was behind me. So I started a blog.

I started the blog to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions out there so I could see people, situations and the past for what it is. I wanted to see where I was responsible for the situation, to see where I had no control over what happened and forgive myself and others. So far has been one of the best experiences I've had. I've found happiness again, I started to enjoy my life again, and I found some perspective I truly needed.

It hit me the other day, I'm not going to get a Christmas card from my grandmother and that made me sad, but it also reminded me of the memories of Christmases past I had with her. I will cherish those moments and memories. I may have had to say goodbye to my grandmother is this life, but I know she's happy and in a better place with my grandfather enjoying the afterlife.

I know it's the people in our lives that make the season a reason to celebrate and I am happy to celebrate the people in my life and I'm grateful for everyone in it. I am very blessed this season and so are you, just look around at all you have and enjoy the blessings that are your friends and family, I know I will.

Also, here's my favorite holiday song.

Wanted to Share This

My sister posted this on her Facebok and I wanted to share it with you. It is so true and it is what this blog has been all aobut, learning! Learning to live life again, re-connecting with a passion for life and letting go of a painful past. So here's something to inspire you, it inspires me.

Songs We Hear - Inspirations, Influences

I was listening to an Adele song at work and the lyrics are so haunting. It make me think about why I like a certain song, why we all like certain songs or artists. What is it about artists that touch us? Is it the beat of their music? The lyrics? The emotions it evokes? Do we relate to it? Is it the person they are?

Adele and Katy Perry are the latest ones to inspire me. Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" helped inspire me to finish a script and then when Darren Criss did a cover version on Glee it touched me. It touched me because I felt like Kurt got a moment I never did in high school; someone sang to him and looked at him with joy and love in his eyes. It was very cathartic.

With Adele I love the way she writes from her experience, the way she tells the story, the emotion she puts into it. Then she brings it all to life with her voice and I find it amazing. It is amazing to be able to tell painful stories from your own experience.

Breathe had a song in eighties called "Hands to Heaven" and it was so sad, it evoked strong emotion. Growing up I have always been attracted to songs with strong emotions and a sadness to them. I had closed myself off from feeling anything real and the only way for me to tap into my emotions was to hear it in a song or see it in a movie or on TV.

In the end I think it's not just one thing about a song, I think it's many things. We are complex people and there are many reasons to like or dislike something. I think we take those songs, to enhance our lives, to work though a difficult situation. So it it the beat of the music, the lyrics, the emotions it evokes, that helps us relate to the song, the person that the artist is. We are always looking for something to relate to in a song because really isn't the artist who wrote the song working through their problems, love life and losses like we are? Aren't we all just looking for someone who understands us?

Anthony Jay- Model/Dancer & Teacher

I follow the campaign that FCKH8.com is doing and I was curious about one of the actors names so I started to read the comments on the facebook page and eventually tracked him down. (Keep in mind I am also a Casting Director so I always keep my eye out for talent.) However, in the process I came across this model/dancer in the process, Anthony Jay. Here is the man in question.

I was intrigued by him and not because of his body. It is the expression on his face, the way the light hits his face and his eyes. His face is so relaxed and his eyes are so clear and full of ease, peace, joy whatever you want to call it.

This is also a man who came out to his parents before he started high school, has two other brothers who are also gay, had a tumor removed they thought was cancerous from his liver at age sixteen and organized a Gay-Straight Alliance at his high school. He went to Kent State in Ohio and to earn more money to pay the bills he started dancing at clubs. Once he graduated and moved to Chicago he got a job at a private school  as a teaching assistant helping autistic children and a job dancing in a club.

The thing I also really like about this guy is he wants to help people. This is how he put it:

"I enjoy learning, especially when it is something I am so passionate about. My goal is to become a School Psychologist and help children with special needs who struggle with their academics."

What really intrigues me about this guy? I find it hard to pin point any one thing because I relate to what he went through and I can see he found peace in his past that I am working toward right now. So I want what he seems to have found which is a joy and passion for life, a relaxed ease about himself and a confidence that it is okay to be just who you are. All this from one picture? Yes...but there's so much more too.