Life! Past, Present, Future

Where do I live to be? That was what I wrote when I really wanted to say is, where do I even begin to deal with the emotion that has risen from reading the letter I wrote to my grandparents. It raises emotions I felt when I was being ridiculed and made fun of in school. I was so trusting and I just wanted to have fun and be a kid without a care in the world. I never understood what I did or didn't do that made me a target and how do I stop punishing myself for letting it go on? I was/am so angry about that! Why did I let it go on, why didn't I tell someone what was going on? Why didn't anyone see what was going on and do something about it?

Let's go back to the first thing I wrote, Where do I live to be? Interesting question, thought provoking and what does it mean? I know what the question means. It means where do I want to live, in the past, present or future? I lived in the past for a long time thinking, I'll show everyone I am someone, that I am not a loser, that I am worthy of being loved. I blamed everyone for my pain, even my parents for not reading my mind of what was going on inside me. I punished myself over and over for not being good enough. I have to be responsible at some point for what goes on in my life. When do I forgive myself?

Let's not lose sight of the question, Where do I live to be? The goal of where I live to be is in a happy, successful relationship with a man I love, doing what makes me happy, telling stories from a gay perspective with a slightly different take on the way to tell the story. So I am going to dig deep and share with you how I felt and where I see I am responsible for the direction my life has taken as I wade through a childhood I have blocked out and will try to remember so I can lay the past to rest and be present for my life in the here and now.

Painful Emotion

Seeing the letter I wrote to my grandparents really brought up some painful emotions from my childhood. No parent can protect their child from harm every minute of the day. They have to trust their child is going to act in an appropriate way and that other children will do the same. I had no idea that I was different when I was so little. I had no idea people could be so cruel, but I found out. Kids I thought were my friends weren't. Once I got to junior high things got worse and high school I have mixed reviews on. Today we call it bullying, but when I was a kid you were picked on or made fun of and I would say it's worse today for kids. I didn't understand why and I just wanted the other kids to like me. Looking back I could see it happening and I didn't adjust well to changes. I cried a lot as a child, I'm tearing up writing this. If I could go back and comfort myself, the child I was, I would let him know that he will be okay, he is a good, wonderful person. I want to hug the young me and comfort the me that never understood why this happened, that he is loved and cared for by family and friends. A child is filled with so much wonder and eagerness to explore, then fear and doubt are introduced, things change, we are told we can't do something and when we hear it enough we start to believe it. So I want the child I was to know he is loved and he is perfect just the way he is, that staying true to himself is what makes him special, it's what makes everyone special.

Innocence

My mother sent me this letter I sent my Grandparents when they were going through my grandmother's things. It is very sweet and it also makes me sad. Sad because I miss the innocence of my childhood, the happy-go-lucky boy I was. I would have liked to retain some of that innocence, maybe in some ways I have, but the child I was, was pure and loved so completely, didn't have any fears of not being taken care of or provided for and was oblivious to the outside pressures of the world. I miss being able to love so completely, to have no fear that things will be okay. I could not protect my child from the world and in many ways he was hurt from the ridicule he/I took as a child. So I feel like it's my job to nurture my child, the inner child within me and let him know it is okay, that he is loved and being who he is, is just fine. No one has the right to tell him it's not okay to be who he is. I feel the responsibility to raise him to the point of self reliance so we can continue to grow on the path we have chosen. There is so much to work through from childhood, but that is a post for another time. I hope we all find the courage to retain or to re-connect with the innocence of our childhood and bring into our adulthood a purity of spirit with everything we do.

My Day!

Yesterday was a really crappy day at work. I was a lead  and when I got on the board a second time, it was screwed up! On my lunch someone comes to me and says I was talking bad about them and pissed me off even more, I was all ready irritated. We worked it out but we made another co-worker uncomfortable in the process. I hate gossip at work! Then I get the board and it's still a mess! Merry Christmas to me! Then I had to try to figure out how to fix it and thank God someone went home HOA so I had three extra hours and extended people to fix what was broken! It really helped out and I was glad to leave when I was scheduled off. So I'm on my way out the door when my boss and the supervisors are standing there and he says, "You want to stay? I was thinking of making you the bridge lead!" I said, "You're kidding right?" and he said "No", I said, "You're really serious?" He said "Yes!" and I had all ready worked eight hours and I was irritated, but I said yes and I got four hours of overtime! Thank God! However, when I was at work today I was exhausted and just wanted the day to be over so I could go home and relax. Thank God tomorrow is my Friday, I will be sleeping in on Wednesday and Thursday! I still have to go to the grocery store and pay bills, but it should be great! Oh, I have laundry to do too. Lucky Me! Life is never boring!