Where do I live to be? That was what I wrote when I really wanted to say is, where do I even begin to deal with the emotion that has risen from reading the letter I wrote to my grandparents. It raises emotions I felt when I was being ridiculed and made fun of in school. I was so trusting and I just wanted to have fun and be a kid without a care in the world. I never understood what I did or didn't do that made me a target and how do I stop punishing myself for letting it go on? I was/am so angry about that! Why did I let it go on, why didn't I tell someone what was going on? Why didn't anyone see what was going on and do something about it?
Let's go back to the first thing I wrote, Where do I live to be? Interesting question, thought provoking and what does it mean? I know what the question means. It means where do I want to live, in the past, present or future? I lived in the past for a long time thinking, I'll show everyone I am someone, that I am not a loser, that I am worthy of being loved. I blamed everyone for my pain, even my parents for not reading my mind of what was going on inside me. I punished myself over and over for not being good enough. I have to be responsible at some point for what goes on in my life. When do I forgive myself?
Let's not lose sight of the question, Where do I live to be? The goal of where I live to be is in a happy, successful relationship with a man I love, doing what makes me happy, telling stories from a gay perspective with a slightly different take on the way to tell the story. So I am going to dig deep and share with you how I felt and where I see I am responsible for the direction my life has taken as I wade through a childhood I have blocked out and will try to remember so I can lay the past to rest and be present for my life in the here and now.
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