ARRRRGGGH!!!!

I have had so much anger lately and I can't seem to let it go. I'm not the type to hold on to it for days or weeks and it's been building. I am upset with my boss, some of my co-workers, guests at my job, how my career or lack there of is going. I just need to get off my ass and get going on things. I also need to keep my mouth shut about what I'm doing professionally. I feel that very strongly and it's what my intuition is telling me. I know what I need to work on and I'm going to be doing it. I have 2 books, a untitled project with a friend we're developing and I have something I'm ready to shoot. I need to find a producer or two for the project I want to shoot, location scout and raise funds, $2,500.00 should do.

In the next six months, no by next July I need to be living in West Hollywood and I need to be making more money from industry related projects. I also need to find a more industry related job, building my casting business, casting website, casting vlog, just building my businesses. I have stood in the shadows for too long waiting for the right time to do things and I just need to make things happen. I am so tired of barely living and I need to tell the stories that are buried deep within me and they all bubble to the surface in bits and pieces, in Ideas and scenes and full scripts and some things write themselves and some things take time to write.

It's just been an eye opener looking at what's going on in my life and seeing where I want to go. I see it and I am going to make it happen! nuf said!

The Aloha!

I spent two and a half years working for Norwegian Cruise Lines America. I started working for them at a time in my life when I had just ended a eight year relationship that had been through a evolution of its own. I had shut down during that eight years and I had had enough. I cut off the relationship. I ended it and I picked a fight to do it. I packed all of my stuff, called my parents and asked for a plane ticket to Florida and the next day I was there. I was bruised and beaten emotionally, and had family relationships to repair, still do. I needed space and time to heal from that eight years and I had heard about this cruise ship opportunity from that person I just ended things with and I considered it. I applied went to a job fair for the company, was hired on the spot and left two months later for training.

I spent three weeks in training and was hoping to get sent to the new ship the line was bringing out, but that didn't happen, I was sent to the Aloha. I was freaked out to be going back to Hawaii so soon, but I believe God gives us only what we can handle and I went back knowing I could come in contact this the person I just ended my relationship with, to say I was freaked out may be an understatement!

I also knew I was going to open myself up emotionally. It was scary after being shut down for so long, but I knew it was time to open up again and I did. I made some mistakes with people, but I also dated someone on my first contract. It ended after I came back from vacation, but I was okay and I was learning to be in relationships with people, cultivating friendships. It was a great time in my life and I was happy. The best things to come out of working on the ship were my friendship with my best friend Elicia and finding out I wanted to go to film school. I miss the people, but I would never trade working on the ship for anything. It helped my to grow and be a better friend.

Coming Out

One of the guys I work with just came out on Facebook. Being a gay man and understanding how hard it is to come out and deal with this, you would think I would be supportive and understanding right? Well, I heard it and thought it was a joke, he always talked about girls. I am shocked and it blows my perception of my friend, I’m still in shock even now and I’m really having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea my friend is gay. 

I never actually saw the post the day he did it. It was not until a few days later that I saw it. I read all of the support and well wishes and I want to be supportive it’s just going to take me some time to get use to this. Here’s the thing, I’m upset at my reaction and I can’t believe I of all people am reacting this way.

After reflecting on my reaction, I understand better why friends, family and co-workers don’t react well when people come out. It shocks some people and your whole perception of that person is blown out of the water. You don’t want to believe it. I know it hurts to be rejected by people when you come out. I have experienced it myself. 

It takes so much courage to do what he did and it can be a struggle to come to terms with who you are. I am so proud of him. I am going to take my reaction and turn it into a positive by sharing my reaction to help others. I know when I came out I braced for some rejection. I was lucky I wasn’t rejected by my family and close friends at the time. I hope my friend knows I support him and love the person he is.