I was listening to an Adele song at work and the lyrics are so haunting. It make me think about why I like a certain song, why we all like certain songs or artists. What is it about artists that touch us? Is it the beat of their music? The lyrics? The emotions it evokes? Do we relate to it? Is it the person they are?
Adele and Katy Perry are the latest ones to inspire me. Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" helped inspire me to finish a script and then when Darren Criss did a cover version on Glee it touched me. It touched me because I felt like Kurt got a moment I never did in high school; someone sang to him and looked at him with joy and love in his eyes. It was very cathartic.
With Adele I love the way she writes from her experience, the way she tells the story, the emotion she puts into it. Then she brings it all to life with her voice and I find it amazing. It is amazing to be able to tell painful stories from your own experience.
Breathe had a song in eighties called "Hands to Heaven" and it was so sad, it evoked strong emotion. Growing up I have always been attracted to songs with strong emotions and a sadness to them. I had closed myself off from feeling anything real and the only way for me to tap into my emotions was to hear it in a song or see it in a movie or on TV.
In the end I think it's not just one thing about a song, I think it's many things. We are complex people and there are many reasons to like or dislike something. I think we take those songs, to enhance our lives, to work though a difficult situation. So it it the beat of the music, the lyrics, the emotions it evokes, that helps us relate to the song, the person that the artist is. We are always looking for something to relate to in a song because really isn't the artist who wrote the song working through their problems, love life and losses like we are? Aren't we all just looking for someone who understands us?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Anthony Jay- Model/Dancer & Teacher
I follow the campaign that FCKH8.com is doing and I was curious about one of the actors names so I started to read the comments on the facebook page and eventually tracked him down. (Keep in mind I am also a Casting Director so I always keep my eye out for talent.) However, in the process I came across this model/dancer in the process, Anthony Jay. Here is the man in question.
I was intrigued by him and not because of his body. It is the expression on his face, the way the light hits his face and his eyes. His face is so relaxed and his eyes are so clear and full of ease, peace, joy whatever you want to call it.
This is also a man who came out to his parents before he started high school, has two other brothers who are also gay, had a tumor removed they thought was cancerous from his liver at age sixteen and organized a Gay-Straight Alliance at his high school. He went to Kent State in Ohio and to earn more money to pay the bills he started dancing at clubs. Once he graduated and moved to Chicago he got a job at a private school as a teaching assistant helping autistic children and a job dancing in a club.
The thing I also really like about this guy is he wants to help people. This is how he put it:
"I enjoy learning, especially when it is something I am so passionate about. My goal is to become a School Psychologist and help children with special needs who struggle with their academics."
What really intrigues me about this guy? I find it hard to pin point any one thing because I relate to what he went through and I can see he found peace in his past that I am working toward right now. So I want what he seems to have found which is a joy and passion for life, a relaxed ease about himself and a confidence that it is okay to be just who you are. All this from one picture? Yes...but there's so much more too.
I was intrigued by him and not because of his body. It is the expression on his face, the way the light hits his face and his eyes. His face is so relaxed and his eyes are so clear and full of ease, peace, joy whatever you want to call it.
This is also a man who came out to his parents before he started high school, has two other brothers who are also gay, had a tumor removed they thought was cancerous from his liver at age sixteen and organized a Gay-Straight Alliance at his high school. He went to Kent State in Ohio and to earn more money to pay the bills he started dancing at clubs. Once he graduated and moved to Chicago he got a job at a private school as a teaching assistant helping autistic children and a job dancing in a club.
The thing I also really like about this guy is he wants to help people. This is how he put it:
"I enjoy learning, especially when it is something I am so passionate about. My goal is to become a School Psychologist and help children with special needs who struggle with their academics."
What really intrigues me about this guy? I find it hard to pin point any one thing because I relate to what he went through and I can see he found peace in his past that I am working toward right now. So I want what he seems to have found which is a joy and passion for life, a relaxed ease about himself and a confidence that it is okay to be just who you are. All this from one picture? Yes...but there's so much more too.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A few more memories of Des Moines
My first day of school I was so excited because I got to ride the bus to school and my sister wanted to go with me. My mother told her no and she started to rip the flowers or leaves off this bush we had close to the end of the driveway. My mom took a picture of that and a picture of me as I’m getting on the bus.
There was the day of the tornado, my sister and I were playing in our little pool and all of a sudden it got really grey outside, quiet, still. Mom called us inside that day; (I think you could see the tornado off in the distance) and we had to come quick. That was the night I remember waking up from sleeping in a clothes basket, I think it was white and I may have had a blanket in there with me.
The basement was pretty bare, but there was a half finished bathroom my dad had started and there were sliding glass doors out to the patio and back yard from the basement. We had a swing set in the back yard and at the end of the fence there was corn or wheat, not sure which and we use to sled down the hill in the back yard too. It was huge, I;m not even sure how dad mowed the lawn in the summer. I loved that hill.
Off the back of the carport my dad built a storage shed to store tools, rakes, shovels, the lawn mower, etc. in the storage area. It had three doors and it may have had the numbers 1, 2 & 3 on the doors. My dad said he had help building it, but I don't remember that part.
There was this one time I was sitting at the dining table and choking on a fish or chicken bone. I was having a hard time breathing and getting mom and dad's attention because I was the only one sitting at the table. My mom had me eat a piece of bread or drink some water after I got their attention and I was all right.
Summer was always great to me as a kid, playing with your friends, just having fun. Well, apparently I thought it would be a good idea to not wear underwear and I got an erection because of that. I went into the neighbors back yard. They weren't home and there was a bird bath in the back yard and they had a small porch off the back of the back and I think I went in there and took off my shorts half naked in the back yard of the neighbors house. I also think there was a dog too and it licked my penis. I guess I was a a curious child exploring my sexuality even then. Who knew?!
The last memory I have of Des Moines is driving away from it. It was dark and my sister and I were in the back seat. I wanted to go home and mom kept saying we are going home, to a new home. I didn't want to go there so I said, "No! To my other home." I can't remember what my mom said to that, however, I truly did not understand the concept of moving and I didn't want to do it.
There was the day of the tornado, my sister and I were playing in our little pool and all of a sudden it got really grey outside, quiet, still. Mom called us inside that day; (I think you could see the tornado off in the distance) and we had to come quick. That was the night I remember waking up from sleeping in a clothes basket, I think it was white and I may have had a blanket in there with me.
The basement was pretty bare, but there was a half finished bathroom my dad had started and there were sliding glass doors out to the patio and back yard from the basement. We had a swing set in the back yard and at the end of the fence there was corn or wheat, not sure which and we use to sled down the hill in the back yard too. It was huge, I;m not even sure how dad mowed the lawn in the summer. I loved that hill.
Off the back of the carport my dad built a storage shed to store tools, rakes, shovels, the lawn mower, etc. in the storage area. It had three doors and it may have had the numbers 1, 2 & 3 on the doors. My dad said he had help building it, but I don't remember that part.
There was this one time I was sitting at the dining table and choking on a fish or chicken bone. I was having a hard time breathing and getting mom and dad's attention because I was the only one sitting at the table. My mom had me eat a piece of bread or drink some water after I got their attention and I was all right.
Summer was always great to me as a kid, playing with your friends, just having fun. Well, apparently I thought it would be a good idea to not wear underwear and I got an erection because of that. I went into the neighbors back yard. They weren't home and there was a bird bath in the back yard and they had a small porch off the back of the back and I think I went in there and took off my shorts half naked in the back yard of the neighbors house. I also think there was a dog too and it licked my penis. I guess I was a a curious child exploring my sexuality even then. Who knew?!
The last memory I have of Des Moines is driving away from it. It was dark and my sister and I were in the back seat. I wanted to go home and mom kept saying we are going home, to a new home. I didn't want to go there so I said, "No! To my other home." I can't remember what my mom said to that, however, I truly did not understand the concept of moving and I didn't want to do it.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Thoughts
It has been about a week since I have posted on my blog and I have been torn about that. I have wanted to post something but I haven't been able to put anything down on "paper" until now. I have come to the realization I was really happy when I lived in Des Moines, Iowa with my family. I have been enjoying the knowledge and happiness I feel. There are still memories from that time I haven't shared and I will soon, but I want to share about one of my new favorite shows on TV, The X Factor.
The X Factor inspires me with hope. When I see the contestants perform, when I see my favorites excel, I get excited. It means I can do what I want to do in my career and I will create the films that are going to come from my imagination and my life experience. It's great to finally understand that I am not limited by what other people thought of me or think of me because what other people think of me is none of my business! I have a few things I would like to work on, but now is not the time. I still have work to do on me and making me the priority is just what the doctor ordered. I know cliche, but it fits.
The X Factor inspires me with hope. When I see the contestants perform, when I see my favorites excel, I get excited. It means I can do what I want to do in my career and I will create the films that are going to come from my imagination and my life experience. It's great to finally understand that I am not limited by what other people thought of me or think of me because what other people think of me is none of my business! I have a few things I would like to work on, but now is not the time. I still have work to do on me and making me the priority is just what the doctor ordered. I know cliche, but it fits.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My Grandparents - Part One
I can only remember one time my grandparents visited us together and I can see their car pull up into the driveway, I thought it was a blue VW Bug, but my mom says it was a yellow GT. I think my Uncle Donny was with them. As I remember it he fought in Vietnam and Mee Maw said it changed him. He never wanted to talk about it.
One of my first memories of Mee Maw (that’s what we called my grandma) was when she made a long distance call when we lived in Des Moines, IA. The memory is just so vivid. It was nighttime and the lamp was giving off a glow and I can see her sitting on our old green couch. I remember her dialing the operator and hearing her read her credit card number into the phone. I was so young and I didn’t know you could do that. I even think that was a time Pa Pa (grandpa) didn’t come with her and that was rare. I think she was calling him, at least that’s the way I'm going to remember it.
That may have been when my sister was first born, that’s right I think it was and I wouldn’t or didn’t want my grandma to hold my sister. She was mine and only mommy could hold her, although I think I got to hold her too, but only briefly. I can remember pushing my Mee Maw's hands away too. I was very possessive of my sister at that time and now...well things have changed, I do love her, but that's for another time.
One of my first memories of Mee Maw (that’s what we called my grandma) was when she made a long distance call when we lived in Des Moines, IA. The memory is just so vivid. It was nighttime and the lamp was giving off a glow and I can see her sitting on our old green couch. I remember her dialing the operator and hearing her read her credit card number into the phone. I was so young and I didn’t know you could do that. I even think that was a time Pa Pa (grandpa) didn’t come with her and that was rare. I think she was calling him, at least that’s the way I'm going to remember it.
That may have been when my sister was first born, that’s right I think it was and I wouldn’t or didn’t want my grandma to hold my sister. She was mine and only mommy could hold her, although I think I got to hold her too, but only briefly. I can remember pushing my Mee Maw's hands away too. I was very possessive of my sister at that time and now...well things have changed, I do love her, but that's for another time.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
My First Day Of School!
I was looking through photos to find something else when I came across this, MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! Obviously the sun was shining in my eyes, so I did when anyone would do right? I blocked the sun and let mom take the picture. There is another photo of me getting on the bus, but that photo is still in my parents possession. I make it sound like they'll use it to blackmail me. LOL!! I am finding I was so happy in Des Moines and this was one of my favorite days from that time...
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Lee, Canary Lake Elemetary and Burk
Lee is one of the friends I had in Des Moines and he was quite a character. Let me preface this with saying his home life wasn’t the best and he did like to punish you if you did something he thought was wrong I think he felt entitled since he was a year older than me. Here is one of the things he did, he was getting spanked and he told me not to watch and of course I did, so when he came back outside he wanted me to turn around and I didn’t want to do that. I knew what was coming. Anyhow, I turned around he gave me a spanking.
I have to say, now I would welcome a spanking, but let’s get back to Lee. I don’t remember why, but my mom said Lee wasn’t allowed in the house, maybe he had done something my parents didn’t like, I don’t really remember. So he comes over and wants me to come outside and I didn’t want to or couldn’t and I had to tell him he wasn’t allowed to come in. How awful, looking back at it now to tell someone that they couldn’t come into your house, I’m sure that didn’t make him feel good.
The last memory of Lee is a day in winter when I must have came home from school with him and I was all bundled up in a snow suit, mittens, hat and scarf. I think my mother took my sister to the doctor or something and I remember I was hot in all of that and then I saw my mom pull up and I was glad to leave. Lee’s mom wasn’t a woman I wanted to be around as I remember, I think she scared me.
I went to Canary Lake Elementary School for my first semester of kindergarten and I mostly remember the room we were in. There were double doors and you walk in and along the back wall are listening stations where you could hear stories or books and to the left of that I think there was a bathroom or hallway at the end of the listening station. To the left of that was an area with a table and around the edge were cubbies where books or toys were and then there was a short partition, then on the other side of the partition was an area where I think we rested and another partition with a tall cabinet there. I think the rug on the floor was blue and had shapes or numbers on it and then I think around the rest of the room was cubby shelving, with toys and books and that area was open as I remember it.
I remember one day I was sick and I didn’t get to go to school, I was so upset and the bus driver waited for me to come out and I didn’t. I was sad! Then there was the day my mom took me to school and we were sitting at the stop light and I could see the school to the right and I remember walking in with my mom and the teacher was told I would go home on the bus. My teacher had two helpers too.
I loved riding the bus, in the morning. As far as I could tell the route started somewhere around our house, we were at the beginning of a sub-division, we would go around this corner and pick up other kids and there were all these other houses, go figure. There was one day this girl Jill and her best friend were together and we stopped at one house and she wasn’t there and when we went to the other house they both came out and got on the bus.
The day we had our pictures taken I dressed up. I loved to dress up as a kid. I looked good and all of the other kids just wore regular school clothes. It was one of the first times on the bus I knew I didn’t look like everyone else and that was scary, but I didn’t care, I did get a few funny looks though. I even remember having my picture taken and sitting on some little white box. I was so cute!
One afternoon it was raining and I could hear the rain coming down and it was dark in the hallway and we were standing against the wall, we all had rain coats/coats on. There was a panel of windows in front of us and you couldn’t see through them. I think we ran out to the bus that day after we were all accounted for. The thing I loved most about school at Canary Lake was the listening station and my friends.
Burk was my best friend at the time. I was at his house before school one day and his mom gave me some orange juice and I sat at their kitchen island or counter, but I’m thinking island and then it was time to go and we got on the bus. There was one time we were at his house and I think we hid all of his toys behind the couch. There was also the time we were in the back yard and we went through the gate into his grandfather’s farm, in fact there were several times we did that and Lee was with us once or twice. I even remember picking up a picture he left on the bus and took it back to him. The crazy thing is, I think he even wrote his name on the picture all by himself.
Friends are so special! I wondered for a long time what happened to Burk and Lee.
I have to say, now I would welcome a spanking, but let’s get back to Lee. I don’t remember why, but my mom said Lee wasn’t allowed in the house, maybe he had done something my parents didn’t like, I don’t really remember. So he comes over and wants me to come outside and I didn’t want to or couldn’t and I had to tell him he wasn’t allowed to come in. How awful, looking back at it now to tell someone that they couldn’t come into your house, I’m sure that didn’t make him feel good.
The last memory of Lee is a day in winter when I must have came home from school with him and I was all bundled up in a snow suit, mittens, hat and scarf. I think my mother took my sister to the doctor or something and I remember I was hot in all of that and then I saw my mom pull up and I was glad to leave. Lee’s mom wasn’t a woman I wanted to be around as I remember, I think she scared me.
I went to Canary Lake Elementary School for my first semester of kindergarten and I mostly remember the room we were in. There were double doors and you walk in and along the back wall are listening stations where you could hear stories or books and to the left of that I think there was a bathroom or hallway at the end of the listening station. To the left of that was an area with a table and around the edge were cubbies where books or toys were and then there was a short partition, then on the other side of the partition was an area where I think we rested and another partition with a tall cabinet there. I think the rug on the floor was blue and had shapes or numbers on it and then I think around the rest of the room was cubby shelving, with toys and books and that area was open as I remember it.
I remember one day I was sick and I didn’t get to go to school, I was so upset and the bus driver waited for me to come out and I didn’t. I was sad! Then there was the day my mom took me to school and we were sitting at the stop light and I could see the school to the right and I remember walking in with my mom and the teacher was told I would go home on the bus. My teacher had two helpers too.
I loved riding the bus, in the morning. As far as I could tell the route started somewhere around our house, we were at the beginning of a sub-division, we would go around this corner and pick up other kids and there were all these other houses, go figure. There was one day this girl Jill and her best friend were together and we stopped at one house and she wasn’t there and when we went to the other house they both came out and got on the bus.
The day we had our pictures taken I dressed up. I loved to dress up as a kid. I looked good and all of the other kids just wore regular school clothes. It was one of the first times on the bus I knew I didn’t look like everyone else and that was scary, but I didn’t care, I did get a few funny looks though. I even remember having my picture taken and sitting on some little white box. I was so cute!
One afternoon it was raining and I could hear the rain coming down and it was dark in the hallway and we were standing against the wall, we all had rain coats/coats on. There was a panel of windows in front of us and you couldn’t see through them. I think we ran out to the bus that day after we were all accounted for. The thing I loved most about school at Canary Lake was the listening station and my friends.
Burk was my best friend at the time. I was at his house before school one day and his mom gave me some orange juice and I sat at their kitchen island or counter, but I’m thinking island and then it was time to go and we got on the bus. There was one time we were at his house and I think we hid all of his toys behind the couch. There was also the time we were in the back yard and we went through the gate into his grandfather’s farm, in fact there were several times we did that and Lee was with us once or twice. I even remember picking up a picture he left on the bus and took it back to him. The crazy thing is, I think he even wrote his name on the picture all by himself.
Friends are so special! I wondered for a long time what happened to Burk and Lee.
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