It's been a while since I've last posted, I've been working on some family issues and can't really blog about it right now, but I've been doing well. I am so happy today I cried tears of joy over making candy bar cookies. I know it may sound strange, but those are my favorite cookies at Christmas. I have such good memories of baking with my mom and all of the smells of the season. I loved all of the shopping and gift giving and I felt the love of the season. The cold crisp weather and snow those were good times.
For a while there I wasn't so happy and the season didn't make me so happy anymore. I busied myself with work and worrying about having enough money. Then when I went through a bit of depression a few years ago I realized I am the maker of my fate and from that point my life started to be what I wanted it to be. Then a blessing came to me this year disguised as my grandmother's passing. It forced me to deal with my feelings and I took that opportunity to work on me. I wanted to put a painful past of bullying, of not feeling good enough, of being ashamed of who I was behind me. So I started a blog.
I started the blog to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions out there so I could see people, situations and the past for what it is. I wanted to see where I was responsible for the situation, to see where I had no control over what happened and forgive myself and others. So far has been one of the best experiences I've had. I've found happiness again, I started to enjoy my life again, and I found some perspective I truly needed.
It hit me the other day, I'm not going to get a Christmas card from my grandmother and that made me sad, but it also reminded me of the memories of Christmases past I had with her. I will cherish those moments and memories. I may have had to say goodbye to my grandmother is this life, but I know she's happy and in a better place with my grandfather enjoying the afterlife.
I know it's the people in our lives that make the season a reason to celebrate and I am happy to celebrate the people in my life and I'm grateful for everyone in it. I am very blessed this season and so are you, just look around at all you have and enjoy the blessings that are your friends and family, I know I will.
Also, here's my favorite holiday song.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Wanted to Share This
My sister posted this on her Facebok and I wanted to share it with you. It is so true and it is what this blog has been all aobut, learning! Learning to live life again, re-connecting with a passion for life and letting go of a painful past. So here's something to inspire you, it inspires me.
Songs We Hear - Inspirations, Influences
I was listening to an Adele song at work and the lyrics are so haunting. It make me think about why I like a certain song, why we all like certain songs or artists. What is it about artists that touch us? Is it the beat of their music? The lyrics? The emotions it evokes? Do we relate to it? Is it the person they are?
Adele and Katy Perry are the latest ones to inspire me. Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" helped inspire me to finish a script and then when Darren Criss did a cover version on Glee it touched me. It touched me because I felt like Kurt got a moment I never did in high school; someone sang to him and looked at him with joy and love in his eyes. It was very cathartic.
With Adele I love the way she writes from her experience, the way she tells the story, the emotion she puts into it. Then she brings it all to life with her voice and I find it amazing. It is amazing to be able to tell painful stories from your own experience.
Breathe had a song in eighties called "Hands to Heaven" and it was so sad, it evoked strong emotion. Growing up I have always been attracted to songs with strong emotions and a sadness to them. I had closed myself off from feeling anything real and the only way for me to tap into my emotions was to hear it in a song or see it in a movie or on TV.
In the end I think it's not just one thing about a song, I think it's many things. We are complex people and there are many reasons to like or dislike something. I think we take those songs, to enhance our lives, to work though a difficult situation. So it it the beat of the music, the lyrics, the emotions it evokes, that helps us relate to the song, the person that the artist is. We are always looking for something to relate to in a song because really isn't the artist who wrote the song working through their problems, love life and losses like we are? Aren't we all just looking for someone who understands us?
Adele and Katy Perry are the latest ones to inspire me. Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" helped inspire me to finish a script and then when Darren Criss did a cover version on Glee it touched me. It touched me because I felt like Kurt got a moment I never did in high school; someone sang to him and looked at him with joy and love in his eyes. It was very cathartic.
With Adele I love the way she writes from her experience, the way she tells the story, the emotion she puts into it. Then she brings it all to life with her voice and I find it amazing. It is amazing to be able to tell painful stories from your own experience.
Breathe had a song in eighties called "Hands to Heaven" and it was so sad, it evoked strong emotion. Growing up I have always been attracted to songs with strong emotions and a sadness to them. I had closed myself off from feeling anything real and the only way for me to tap into my emotions was to hear it in a song or see it in a movie or on TV.
In the end I think it's not just one thing about a song, I think it's many things. We are complex people and there are many reasons to like or dislike something. I think we take those songs, to enhance our lives, to work though a difficult situation. So it it the beat of the music, the lyrics, the emotions it evokes, that helps us relate to the song, the person that the artist is. We are always looking for something to relate to in a song because really isn't the artist who wrote the song working through their problems, love life and losses like we are? Aren't we all just looking for someone who understands us?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Anthony Jay- Model/Dancer & Teacher
I follow the campaign that FCKH8.com is doing and I was curious about one of the actors names so I started to read the comments on the facebook page and eventually tracked him down. (Keep in mind I am also a Casting Director so I always keep my eye out for talent.) However, in the process I came across this model/dancer in the process, Anthony Jay. Here is the man in question.
I was intrigued by him and not because of his body. It is the expression on his face, the way the light hits his face and his eyes. His face is so relaxed and his eyes are so clear and full of ease, peace, joy whatever you want to call it.
This is also a man who came out to his parents before he started high school, has two other brothers who are also gay, had a tumor removed they thought was cancerous from his liver at age sixteen and organized a Gay-Straight Alliance at his high school. He went to Kent State in Ohio and to earn more money to pay the bills he started dancing at clubs. Once he graduated and moved to Chicago he got a job at a private school as a teaching assistant helping autistic children and a job dancing in a club.
The thing I also really like about this guy is he wants to help people. This is how he put it:
"I enjoy learning, especially when it is something I am so passionate about. My goal is to become a School Psychologist and help children with special needs who struggle with their academics."
What really intrigues me about this guy? I find it hard to pin point any one thing because I relate to what he went through and I can see he found peace in his past that I am working toward right now. So I want what he seems to have found which is a joy and passion for life, a relaxed ease about himself and a confidence that it is okay to be just who you are. All this from one picture? Yes...but there's so much more too.
I was intrigued by him and not because of his body. It is the expression on his face, the way the light hits his face and his eyes. His face is so relaxed and his eyes are so clear and full of ease, peace, joy whatever you want to call it.
This is also a man who came out to his parents before he started high school, has two other brothers who are also gay, had a tumor removed they thought was cancerous from his liver at age sixteen and organized a Gay-Straight Alliance at his high school. He went to Kent State in Ohio and to earn more money to pay the bills he started dancing at clubs. Once he graduated and moved to Chicago he got a job at a private school as a teaching assistant helping autistic children and a job dancing in a club.
The thing I also really like about this guy is he wants to help people. This is how he put it:
"I enjoy learning, especially when it is something I am so passionate about. My goal is to become a School Psychologist and help children with special needs who struggle with their academics."
What really intrigues me about this guy? I find it hard to pin point any one thing because I relate to what he went through and I can see he found peace in his past that I am working toward right now. So I want what he seems to have found which is a joy and passion for life, a relaxed ease about himself and a confidence that it is okay to be just who you are. All this from one picture? Yes...but there's so much more too.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A few more memories of Des Moines
My first day of school I was so excited because I got to ride the bus to school and my sister wanted to go with me. My mother told her no and she started to rip the flowers or leaves off this bush we had close to the end of the driveway. My mom took a picture of that and a picture of me as I’m getting on the bus.
There was the day of the tornado, my sister and I were playing in our little pool and all of a sudden it got really grey outside, quiet, still. Mom called us inside that day; (I think you could see the tornado off in the distance) and we had to come quick. That was the night I remember waking up from sleeping in a clothes basket, I think it was white and I may have had a blanket in there with me.
The basement was pretty bare, but there was a half finished bathroom my dad had started and there were sliding glass doors out to the patio and back yard from the basement. We had a swing set in the back yard and at the end of the fence there was corn or wheat, not sure which and we use to sled down the hill in the back yard too. It was huge, I;m not even sure how dad mowed the lawn in the summer. I loved that hill.
Off the back of the carport my dad built a storage shed to store tools, rakes, shovels, the lawn mower, etc. in the storage area. It had three doors and it may have had the numbers 1, 2 & 3 on the doors. My dad said he had help building it, but I don't remember that part.
There was this one time I was sitting at the dining table and choking on a fish or chicken bone. I was having a hard time breathing and getting mom and dad's attention because I was the only one sitting at the table. My mom had me eat a piece of bread or drink some water after I got their attention and I was all right.
Summer was always great to me as a kid, playing with your friends, just having fun. Well, apparently I thought it would be a good idea to not wear underwear and I got an erection because of that. I went into the neighbors back yard. They weren't home and there was a bird bath in the back yard and they had a small porch off the back of the back and I think I went in there and took off my shorts half naked in the back yard of the neighbors house. I also think there was a dog too and it licked my penis. I guess I was a a curious child exploring my sexuality even then. Who knew?!
The last memory I have of Des Moines is driving away from it. It was dark and my sister and I were in the back seat. I wanted to go home and mom kept saying we are going home, to a new home. I didn't want to go there so I said, "No! To my other home." I can't remember what my mom said to that, however, I truly did not understand the concept of moving and I didn't want to do it.
There was the day of the tornado, my sister and I were playing in our little pool and all of a sudden it got really grey outside, quiet, still. Mom called us inside that day; (I think you could see the tornado off in the distance) and we had to come quick. That was the night I remember waking up from sleeping in a clothes basket, I think it was white and I may have had a blanket in there with me.
The basement was pretty bare, but there was a half finished bathroom my dad had started and there were sliding glass doors out to the patio and back yard from the basement. We had a swing set in the back yard and at the end of the fence there was corn or wheat, not sure which and we use to sled down the hill in the back yard too. It was huge, I;m not even sure how dad mowed the lawn in the summer. I loved that hill.
Off the back of the carport my dad built a storage shed to store tools, rakes, shovels, the lawn mower, etc. in the storage area. It had three doors and it may have had the numbers 1, 2 & 3 on the doors. My dad said he had help building it, but I don't remember that part.
There was this one time I was sitting at the dining table and choking on a fish or chicken bone. I was having a hard time breathing and getting mom and dad's attention because I was the only one sitting at the table. My mom had me eat a piece of bread or drink some water after I got their attention and I was all right.
Summer was always great to me as a kid, playing with your friends, just having fun. Well, apparently I thought it would be a good idea to not wear underwear and I got an erection because of that. I went into the neighbors back yard. They weren't home and there was a bird bath in the back yard and they had a small porch off the back of the back and I think I went in there and took off my shorts half naked in the back yard of the neighbors house. I also think there was a dog too and it licked my penis. I guess I was a a curious child exploring my sexuality even then. Who knew?!
The last memory I have of Des Moines is driving away from it. It was dark and my sister and I were in the back seat. I wanted to go home and mom kept saying we are going home, to a new home. I didn't want to go there so I said, "No! To my other home." I can't remember what my mom said to that, however, I truly did not understand the concept of moving and I didn't want to do it.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Thoughts
It has been about a week since I have posted on my blog and I have been torn about that. I have wanted to post something but I haven't been able to put anything down on "paper" until now. I have come to the realization I was really happy when I lived in Des Moines, Iowa with my family. I have been enjoying the knowledge and happiness I feel. There are still memories from that time I haven't shared and I will soon, but I want to share about one of my new favorite shows on TV, The X Factor.
The X Factor inspires me with hope. When I see the contestants perform, when I see my favorites excel, I get excited. It means I can do what I want to do in my career and I will create the films that are going to come from my imagination and my life experience. It's great to finally understand that I am not limited by what other people thought of me or think of me because what other people think of me is none of my business! I have a few things I would like to work on, but now is not the time. I still have work to do on me and making me the priority is just what the doctor ordered. I know cliche, but it fits.
The X Factor inspires me with hope. When I see the contestants perform, when I see my favorites excel, I get excited. It means I can do what I want to do in my career and I will create the films that are going to come from my imagination and my life experience. It's great to finally understand that I am not limited by what other people thought of me or think of me because what other people think of me is none of my business! I have a few things I would like to work on, but now is not the time. I still have work to do on me and making me the priority is just what the doctor ordered. I know cliche, but it fits.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
My Grandparents - Part One
I can only remember one time my grandparents visited us together and I can see their car pull up into the driveway, I thought it was a blue VW Bug, but my mom says it was a yellow GT. I think my Uncle Donny was with them. As I remember it he fought in Vietnam and Mee Maw said it changed him. He never wanted to talk about it.
One of my first memories of Mee Maw (that’s what we called my grandma) was when she made a long distance call when we lived in Des Moines, IA. The memory is just so vivid. It was nighttime and the lamp was giving off a glow and I can see her sitting on our old green couch. I remember her dialing the operator and hearing her read her credit card number into the phone. I was so young and I didn’t know you could do that. I even think that was a time Pa Pa (grandpa) didn’t come with her and that was rare. I think she was calling him, at least that’s the way I'm going to remember it.
That may have been when my sister was first born, that’s right I think it was and I wouldn’t or didn’t want my grandma to hold my sister. She was mine and only mommy could hold her, although I think I got to hold her too, but only briefly. I can remember pushing my Mee Maw's hands away too. I was very possessive of my sister at that time and now...well things have changed, I do love her, but that's for another time.
One of my first memories of Mee Maw (that’s what we called my grandma) was when she made a long distance call when we lived in Des Moines, IA. The memory is just so vivid. It was nighttime and the lamp was giving off a glow and I can see her sitting on our old green couch. I remember her dialing the operator and hearing her read her credit card number into the phone. I was so young and I didn’t know you could do that. I even think that was a time Pa Pa (grandpa) didn’t come with her and that was rare. I think she was calling him, at least that’s the way I'm going to remember it.
That may have been when my sister was first born, that’s right I think it was and I wouldn’t or didn’t want my grandma to hold my sister. She was mine and only mommy could hold her, although I think I got to hold her too, but only briefly. I can remember pushing my Mee Maw's hands away too. I was very possessive of my sister at that time and now...well things have changed, I do love her, but that's for another time.
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