The Holiday Season

It's been a while since I've last posted, I've been working on some family issues and can't really blog about it right now, but I've been doing well. I am so happy today I cried tears of joy over making candy bar cookies. I know it may sound strange, but those are my favorite cookies at Christmas. I have such good memories of baking with my mom and all of the smells of the season. I loved all of the shopping and gift giving and I felt the love of the season. The cold crisp weather and snow those were good times.

For a while there I wasn't so happy and the season didn't make me so happy anymore. I busied myself with work and worrying about having enough money. Then when I went through a bit of depression a few years ago I realized I am the maker of my fate and from that point my life started to be what I wanted it to be. Then a blessing came to me this year disguised as my grandmother's passing.  It forced me to deal with my feelings and I took that opportunity to work on me. I wanted to put a painful past of bullying, of not feeling good enough, of being ashamed of who I was behind me. So I started a blog.

I started the blog to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions out there so I could see people, situations and the past for what it is. I wanted to see where I was responsible for the situation, to see where I had no control over what happened and forgive myself and others. So far has been one of the best experiences I've had. I've found happiness again, I started to enjoy my life again, and I found some perspective I truly needed.

It hit me the other day, I'm not going to get a Christmas card from my grandmother and that made me sad, but it also reminded me of the memories of Christmases past I had with her. I will cherish those moments and memories. I may have had to say goodbye to my grandmother is this life, but I know she's happy and in a better place with my grandfather enjoying the afterlife.

I know it's the people in our lives that make the season a reason to celebrate and I am happy to celebrate the people in my life and I'm grateful for everyone in it. I am very blessed this season and so are you, just look around at all you have and enjoy the blessings that are your friends and family, I know I will.

Also, here's my favorite holiday song.

Wanted to Share This

My sister posted this on her Facebok and I wanted to share it with you. It is so true and it is what this blog has been all aobut, learning! Learning to live life again, re-connecting with a passion for life and letting go of a painful past. So here's something to inspire you, it inspires me.

Songs We Hear - Inspirations, Influences

I was listening to an Adele song at work and the lyrics are so haunting. It make me think about why I like a certain song, why we all like certain songs or artists. What is it about artists that touch us? Is it the beat of their music? The lyrics? The emotions it evokes? Do we relate to it? Is it the person they are?

Adele and Katy Perry are the latest ones to inspire me. Katy Perry's song "Teenage Dream" helped inspire me to finish a script and then when Darren Criss did a cover version on Glee it touched me. It touched me because I felt like Kurt got a moment I never did in high school; someone sang to him and looked at him with joy and love in his eyes. It was very cathartic.

With Adele I love the way she writes from her experience, the way she tells the story, the emotion she puts into it. Then she brings it all to life with her voice and I find it amazing. It is amazing to be able to tell painful stories from your own experience.

Breathe had a song in eighties called "Hands to Heaven" and it was so sad, it evoked strong emotion. Growing up I have always been attracted to songs with strong emotions and a sadness to them. I had closed myself off from feeling anything real and the only way for me to tap into my emotions was to hear it in a song or see it in a movie or on TV.

In the end I think it's not just one thing about a song, I think it's many things. We are complex people and there are many reasons to like or dislike something. I think we take those songs, to enhance our lives, to work though a difficult situation. So it it the beat of the music, the lyrics, the emotions it evokes, that helps us relate to the song, the person that the artist is. We are always looking for something to relate to in a song because really isn't the artist who wrote the song working through their problems, love life and losses like we are? Aren't we all just looking for someone who understands us?

Anthony Jay- Model/Dancer & Teacher

I follow the campaign that FCKH8.com is doing and I was curious about one of the actors names so I started to read the comments on the facebook page and eventually tracked him down. (Keep in mind I am also a Casting Director so I always keep my eye out for talent.) However, in the process I came across this model/dancer in the process, Anthony Jay. Here is the man in question.

I was intrigued by him and not because of his body. It is the expression on his face, the way the light hits his face and his eyes. His face is so relaxed and his eyes are so clear and full of ease, peace, joy whatever you want to call it.

This is also a man who came out to his parents before he started high school, has two other brothers who are also gay, had a tumor removed they thought was cancerous from his liver at age sixteen and organized a Gay-Straight Alliance at his high school. He went to Kent State in Ohio and to earn more money to pay the bills he started dancing at clubs. Once he graduated and moved to Chicago he got a job at a private school  as a teaching assistant helping autistic children and a job dancing in a club.

The thing I also really like about this guy is he wants to help people. This is how he put it:

"I enjoy learning, especially when it is something I am so passionate about. My goal is to become a School Psychologist and help children with special needs who struggle with their academics."

What really intrigues me about this guy? I find it hard to pin point any one thing because I relate to what he went through and I can see he found peace in his past that I am working toward right now. So I want what he seems to have found which is a joy and passion for life, a relaxed ease about himself and a confidence that it is okay to be just who you are. All this from one picture? Yes...but there's so much more too.

A few more memories of Des Moines

My first day of school I was so excited because I got to ride the bus to school and my sister wanted to go with me. My mother told her no and she started to rip the flowers or leaves off this bush we had close to the end of the driveway. My mom took a picture of that and a picture of me as I’m getting on the bus.

There was the day of the tornado, my sister and I were playing in our little pool and all of a sudden it got really grey outside, quiet, still. Mom called us inside that day; (I think you could see the tornado off in the distance) and we had to come quick. That was the night I remember waking up from sleeping in a clothes basket, I think it was white and I may have had a blanket in there with me.

The basement was pretty bare, but there was a half finished bathroom my dad had started and there were sliding glass doors out to the patio and back yard from the basement. We had a swing set in the back yard and at the end of the fence there was corn or wheat, not sure which and we use to sled  down the hill in the back yard too. It was huge, I;m not even sure how dad mowed the lawn in the summer. I loved that hill.

Off the back of the carport my dad built a storage shed to store tools, rakes, shovels, the lawn mower, etc. in the storage area. It had three doors and it may have had the numbers 1, 2 & 3 on the doors. My dad said he had help building it, but I don't remember that part.

There was this one time I was sitting at the dining table and choking on a fish or chicken bone. I was having a hard time breathing and getting mom and dad's attention because I was the only one sitting at the table. My mom had me eat a piece of bread or drink some water after I got their attention and I was all right.

Summer was always great to me as a kid, playing with your friends, just having fun. Well, apparently I thought it would be a good idea to not wear underwear and I got an erection because of that. I went into the neighbors back yard. They weren't home and there was a bird bath in the back yard and they had a small porch off the back of the back and I think I went in there and took off my shorts half naked in the back yard of the neighbors house. I also think there was a dog too and it licked my penis. I guess I was a a curious child exploring my sexuality even then. Who knew?!

The last memory I have of Des Moines is driving away from it. It was dark and my sister and I were in the back seat. I wanted to go home and mom kept saying we are going home, to a new home. I didn't want to go there so I said, "No! To my other home." I can't remember what my mom said to that, however, I truly did not understand the concept of moving and I didn't want to do it.

Thoughts

It has been about a week since I have posted on my blog and I have been torn about that. I have wanted to post something but I haven't been able to put anything down on "paper" until now. I have come to the realization I was really happy when I lived in Des Moines, Iowa with my family. I have been enjoying the knowledge and happiness I feel. There are still memories from that time I haven't shared and I will soon, but I want to share about one of my new favorite shows on TV, The X Factor.

The X Factor inspires me with hope. When I see the contestants perform, when I see my favorites excel, I get excited. It means I can do what I want to do in my career and I will create the films that are going to come from my imagination and my life experience. It's great to finally understand that I am not limited by what other people thought of me or think of me because what other people think of me is none of my business! I have a few things I would like to work on, but now is not the time. I still have work to do on me  and making me the priority is just what the doctor ordered. I know cliche, but it fits.

My Grandparents - Part One

I can only remember one time my grandparents visited us together and I can see their car pull up into the driveway, I thought it was a blue VW Bug, but my mom says it was a yellow GT.  I think my Uncle Donny was with them. As I remember it he fought in Vietnam and Mee Maw said it changed him. He never wanted to talk about it.

One of my first memories of Mee Maw (that’s what we called my grandma) was when she made a long distance call when we lived in Des Moines, IA. The memory is just so vivid. It was nighttime and the lamp was giving off a glow and I can see her sitting on our old green couch. I remember her dialing the operator and hearing her read her credit card number into the phone. I was so young and I didn’t know you could do that. I even think that was a time Pa Pa (grandpa) didn’t come with her and that was rare. I think she was calling him, at least that’s the way I'm going to remember it.

That may have been when my sister was first born, that’s right I think it was and I wouldn’t or didn’t want my grandma to hold my sister. She was mine and only mommy could hold her, although I think I got to hold her too, but only briefly. I can remember pushing my Mee Maw's hands away too. I was very possessive of my sister at that time and now...well things have changed, I do love her, but that's for another time.

My First Day Of School!

I was looking through photos to find something else when I came across this, MY FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! Obviously the sun was shining in my eyes, so I did when anyone would do right? I blocked the sun and let mom take the picture. There is another photo of me getting on the bus, but that photo is still in my parents possession. I make it sound like they'll use it to blackmail me. LOL!! I am finding I was so happy in Des Moines and this was one of my favorite days from that time...

Lee, Canary Lake Elemetary and Burk

Lee is one of the friends I had in Des Moines and he was quite a character. Let me preface this with saying his home life wasn’t the best and he did like to punish you if you did something he thought was wrong I think he felt entitled since he was a year older than me. Here is one of the things he did, he was getting spanked and he told me not to watch and of course I did, so when he came back outside he wanted me to turn around and I didn’t want to do that. I knew what was coming. Anyhow, I turned around he gave me a spanking.

I have to say, now I would welcome a spanking, but let’s get  back to Lee. I don’t remember why, but my mom said Lee wasn’t allowed in the house, maybe he had done something my parents didn’t like, I don’t really remember. So he comes over and wants me to come outside and I didn’t want to or couldn’t and I had to tell him he wasn’t allowed to come in. How awful, looking back at it now to tell someone that they couldn’t come into your house, I’m sure that didn’t make him feel good.

The last memory of Lee is a day in winter when I must have came home from school with him and I was all bundled up in a snow suit, mittens, hat and scarf. I think my mother took my sister to the doctor or something and I remember I was hot in all of that and then I saw my mom pull up and I was glad to leave. Lee’s mom wasn’t a woman I wanted to be around as I remember, I think she scared me.

I went to Canary Lake Elementary School for my first semester of kindergarten and I mostly remember the room we were in. There were double doors and you walk in and along the back wall are listening stations where you could hear stories or books and to the left of that I think there was a bathroom or hallway at the end of the listening station. To the left of that was an area with a table and around the edge were cubbies where books or toys were and then there was a short partition, then on the other side of the partition was an area where I think we rested and another partition with a tall cabinet there. I think the rug on the floor was blue and had shapes or numbers on it and then I think around the rest of the room was cubby shelving, with toys and books and that area was open as I remember it.

I remember one day I was sick and I didn’t get to go to school, I was so upset and the bus driver waited for me to come out and I didn’t. I was sad! Then there was the day my mom took me to school and we were sitting at the stop light and I could see the school to the right and I remember walking in with my mom and the teacher was told I would go home on the bus. My teacher had two helpers too.

I loved riding the bus, in the morning.  As far as I could tell the route started somewhere around our house, we were at the beginning of a sub-division, we would go around this corner and pick up other kids and there were all these other houses, go figure. There was one day this girl Jill and her best friend were together and we stopped at one house and she wasn’t there and when we went to the other house they both came out and got on the bus.

The day we had our pictures taken I dressed up. I loved to dress up as a kid. I looked good and all of the other kids just wore regular school clothes. It was one of the first times on the bus I knew I didn’t look  like everyone else and that was scary, but I didn’t care, I did get a few funny looks though. I even remember having my picture taken and sitting on some little white box. I was so cute!

One afternoon it was raining and I could hear the rain coming down and it was dark in the hallway and we were standing against the wall, we all had rain coats/coats on. There  was a panel of windows in front of us and you couldn’t see through them. I think we ran out to the bus that day after we were all accounted for. The thing I loved most about school at Canary Lake was the listening station and my friends.

Burk was my best friend at the time. I was at his house before school one day and his mom gave me some orange juice and I sat at their kitchen island or counter, but I’m thinking island and then it was time to go and we got on the bus. There was one time we were at his house and I think we hid all of his toys behind the couch. There was also the time we were in the back yard and we went through the gate into his grandfather’s farm, in fact there were several times we did that and Lee was with us once or twice. I even remember picking up a picture he left on the bus and took it back to him. The crazy thing is, I think he even wrote his name on the picture all by himself.

Friends are so special! I wondered for a long time what happened to Burk and Lee.

Memories of Des Moines, IA.

My earliest memory of living in Des Moines was when I was sitting in the hallway in front of my sister's room while my mom was changing her diaper. I was playing with a toy and I got an erection, I remember thinking I hope they go away when I get older. I must have been two or so, maybe two and a half. 

I also remember standing on my mom's suitcase and I think I jumped up and down on it, there's a picture of that too. There was also a time when I heard this cow mooing. I went into my mom and dad’s room and I looked out of their window and  said, “Mommy there’s a cow in our back yard.” so my mom called Steve (the guy who owned the farm on the other side of our back yard) and told him to come get his cow and I remember he did. 

My room, I remember thinking it was big and I had a full size bed to sleep in. I only have one memory of sleeping in my room and waking up seeing the clown, in the dark, sitting on the chair. The clown, my mom says I was afraid of it, it was bigger than me and I think it sat in the rocking chair in my room. There was also a time when I set this doll on fire, I think it was my sister's doll. I was playing on my bed as I remember it and I knocked a lamp over onto my bed and there was this doll laying on the bed and the bulb was on the doll's leg. I must have left it there and went to do something else and when I came back there was a fire on my bed. I ran to tell my mother and I don't remember what happened after that, but I do remember the bedspread was bright orange for a time, then I had a white one with a design of these balls on it. I remember thinking it was a little sophisticated for me, but then again it was only a passing thought.

My room, I remember thinking it was big and I had a full size bed to sleep in. I only have one memory of sleeping in my room and waking up seeing the clown, in the dark, sitting on the chair. The clown, my mom says I was afraid of it, it was bigger than me and I think it sat in the rocking chair in my room. There was also a time when I set this doll on fire, I think it was my sister's doll. I was playing on my bed as I remember it and I knocked a lamp over onto my bed and there was this doll laying on the bed and the bulb was on the doll's leg. I must have left it there and went to do something else and when I came back there was a fire on my bed. I ran to tell my mother and I don't remember what happened after that, but I do remember the bedspread was bright orange for a time, then I had a white one with a design of these balls on it. I remember thinking it was a little sophisticated for me, but then again it was only a passing thought. What was I? 3 or 4?

My mother says I remember the weirdest things, but my question is how can memories be weird? I think I remember the day we brought my sister home. I looked over the back seat and said, "A baby! Do we get to keep it?!" and my mother said, "Yes Craig, we get to keep it." That memory may not be remembered, but I can see myself doing it if I search back far enough.

I remember sitting on the couch feeding my sister as a baby. Mom put a pillow next to me (I think) and then she put her in my arms and gave me a bottle to feed her with, I think it was a yellow bottle with grape juice or milk. I remember that so clearly. I remember watching H.R. Puffnstuff sitting on the floor by the kitchen and we had a black and white TV. I remember one day I had gotten up and I got dressed, I thought I was going to school that day until I remembered it was Sunday and we were going to church so I went back to my room and changed for church.

I also remember it being night time and walking through our kitchen, which I seem to remember thinking was an odd shape or set up weird and I had two blankeys. I put them on the buffet in the dining room and I walked through the kitchen and I think I tied them together. I also remember the living room lamp being on then and I think my dad may have even been in there reading. Oh! I also remember the day that my sister's finder got smashed in the side door off or the driveway. Lee, (a kid from next door), who I considered a friend, came to see if I could play. I opened the door and my sister was standing in the doorway and the wind blew the door shut. Lee ran away I'm sure, thinking he would get blamed for it and my sister cried and it was loud!! Lee now there is a character, but that’s a story for another time...

The X Factor

I have been watching The X Factor since it began and I am hooked! I see the contestants stories and some of them are heart wrenching and they are meant to get you to care about the contestants I know that. However, I relate to what they are going through. The struggle they have lived, the fear, the not knowing of whether they can do it or not or whether they are meant to do it or just kidding themselves. I know what that feels like, yet they are pushing through the fear and self doubt and going for their dream. I really like how it parallels my life right now going through my process of self discovery and the contestants are discovering they are talented and they can live their dream. I will shatter an old idea of who I was and re-discover who I was in the beginning. I know It may sound confusing and it is, but I am truly grateful for the loss of my grandmother to give me this time to re-discover myself and to learn to live life again. It is exactly what I needed.

Des Moines, IA. Part 1

I was born in Des Moines, Iowa at Blank Children's Hospital during one of the hottest summer's on record, according to my mother. She said they would go down to the basement to cool off and drink lemonade. My mother said the day I was born labor started at 3:00am. Nothing like grabbing your mother's attention early and then making her wait until I decided to make my entrance into the world at 11:29pm July 6th, 1969.

My mother tell's me I was a very talkative child, which I do remember being. That I would go up and talk to anyone, that made my mom nervous because I would ask my mom how much money she had and then I would go tell people. I just know I was so interested in finding things out, knowing things and sharing them.

I was very curious and I think I just wanted to meet people and talk to people. I'm surprised my mom didn't have a heart attack with me doing that so much. I can just see her apologizing for me to people just for going up and talking to people I didn't know. Hey I was ready to start a conversation. I mean I was a kid and what was really wrong with that anyway?

There are so many memories I am finding I have and I am actually going to share them all with you soon. I also have become a little obsessed with finding out what happened to two of my friends from Des Moines and the elementry school I attended. So I am anxious to see what I can unearth from that time in my life.

Life! Past, Present, Future

Where do I live to be? That was what I wrote when I really wanted to say is, where do I even begin to deal with the emotion that has risen from reading the letter I wrote to my grandparents. It raises emotions I felt when I was being ridiculed and made fun of in school. I was so trusting and I just wanted to have fun and be a kid without a care in the world. I never understood what I did or didn't do that made me a target and how do I stop punishing myself for letting it go on? I was/am so angry about that! Why did I let it go on, why didn't I tell someone what was going on? Why didn't anyone see what was going on and do something about it?

Let's go back to the first thing I wrote, Where do I live to be? Interesting question, thought provoking and what does it mean? I know what the question means. It means where do I want to live, in the past, present or future? I lived in the past for a long time thinking, I'll show everyone I am someone, that I am not a loser, that I am worthy of being loved. I blamed everyone for my pain, even my parents for not reading my mind of what was going on inside me. I punished myself over and over for not being good enough. I have to be responsible at some point for what goes on in my life. When do I forgive myself?

Let's not lose sight of the question, Where do I live to be? The goal of where I live to be is in a happy, successful relationship with a man I love, doing what makes me happy, telling stories from a gay perspective with a slightly different take on the way to tell the story. So I am going to dig deep and share with you how I felt and where I see I am responsible for the direction my life has taken as I wade through a childhood I have blocked out and will try to remember so I can lay the past to rest and be present for my life in the here and now.

Painful Emotion

Seeing the letter I wrote to my grandparents really brought up some painful emotions from my childhood. No parent can protect their child from harm every minute of the day. They have to trust their child is going to act in an appropriate way and that other children will do the same. I had no idea that I was different when I was so little. I had no idea people could be so cruel, but I found out. Kids I thought were my friends weren't. Once I got to junior high things got worse and high school I have mixed reviews on. Today we call it bullying, but when I was a kid you were picked on or made fun of and I would say it's worse today for kids. I didn't understand why and I just wanted the other kids to like me. Looking back I could see it happening and I didn't adjust well to changes. I cried a lot as a child, I'm tearing up writing this. If I could go back and comfort myself, the child I was, I would let him know that he will be okay, he is a good, wonderful person. I want to hug the young me and comfort the me that never understood why this happened, that he is loved and cared for by family and friends. A child is filled with so much wonder and eagerness to explore, then fear and doubt are introduced, things change, we are told we can't do something and when we hear it enough we start to believe it. So I want the child I was to know he is loved and he is perfect just the way he is, that staying true to himself is what makes him special, it's what makes everyone special.

Innocence

My mother sent me this letter I sent my Grandparents when they were going through my grandmother's things. It is very sweet and it also makes me sad. Sad because I miss the innocence of my childhood, the happy-go-lucky boy I was. I would have liked to retain some of that innocence, maybe in some ways I have, but the child I was, was pure and loved so completely, didn't have any fears of not being taken care of or provided for and was oblivious to the outside pressures of the world. I miss being able to love so completely, to have no fear that things will be okay. I could not protect my child from the world and in many ways he was hurt from the ridicule he/I took as a child. So I feel like it's my job to nurture my child, the inner child within me and let him know it is okay, that he is loved and being who he is, is just fine. No one has the right to tell him it's not okay to be who he is. I feel the responsibility to raise him to the point of self reliance so we can continue to grow on the path we have chosen. There is so much to work through from childhood, but that is a post for another time. I hope we all find the courage to retain or to re-connect with the innocence of our childhood and bring into our adulthood a purity of spirit with everything we do.

My Day!

Yesterday was a really crappy day at work. I was a lead  and when I got on the board a second time, it was screwed up! On my lunch someone comes to me and says I was talking bad about them and pissed me off even more, I was all ready irritated. We worked it out but we made another co-worker uncomfortable in the process. I hate gossip at work! Then I get the board and it's still a mess! Merry Christmas to me! Then I had to try to figure out how to fix it and thank God someone went home HOA so I had three extra hours and extended people to fix what was broken! It really helped out and I was glad to leave when I was scheduled off. So I'm on my way out the door when my boss and the supervisors are standing there and he says, "You want to stay? I was thinking of making you the bridge lead!" I said, "You're kidding right?" and he said "No", I said, "You're really serious?" He said "Yes!" and I had all ready worked eight hours and I was irritated, but I said yes and I got four hours of overtime! Thank God! However, when I was at work today I was exhausted and just wanted the day to be over so I could go home and relax. Thank God tomorrow is my Friday, I will be sleeping in on Wednesday and Thursday! I still have to go to the grocery store and pay bills, but it should be great! Oh, I have laundry to do too. Lucky Me! Life is never boring!

Dreams

With shows like, The X Factor, American Idol, America's Next Top Model and Project Runway giving people a platform to pursue their dreams, and tell their story is an amazing gift. I know these “reality” shows are crafted to portray things/people a certain way, but the intention, the want of these people is real. They all want what the show has to offer whether it’s a second chance or the first chance, they are putting themselves out there to be judged on their talent. Many don’t win, but in a way they do, they are given validation and encouragement to continue the dream.

As a little kid we all have dreams. We want to be an astronaut or a fireman or a ballerina or a doctor or a lawyer or a major league baseball player, even a rock star. I knew from the age of five or six I wanted to be an actor. I held on to that dream for a long time. I took classes in acting, dance and voice. Once I saw my efforts pay off with my first paid acting job it gave me the confidence to pursue my acting career. So I moved to L.A. to make my mark, not realizing how hard it would be to get my foot in the door. 

Those that don't pursue their dreams will discourage yours.

I started to believe what was being whispered in my ear and I gave up my acting dream. I was confused, angry, lost and I felt like a piece of me died and it did. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and I was grieving my loss. Did I give up too easily? Was I really not good enough? Did I really want an acting career? Was I willing to do the work? Was I up to the standard or caliber of acting Hollywood expected? All of these thoughts were put into my head. 


I struggled for a long time with this, until I stepped back to take a look at my part in giving up. Where I am responsible? I truly wanted to be a great actor, but I was emotionally unavailable and lazy. I half-assed my pursuit and I didn't understand how hard it would be to break into the industry. I was unwilling to do some of the work it would take to get to where I wanted to be. I loved the idea of being someone else, but I had no true passion for acting and I just wanted it to fall in my lap. I also realized that we never truly let go of our dreams, we put them away, on a shelf with a sigh and say if only...

 In retrospect, what I see is I knew I wanted to be part of the film industry, I just got sidetracked on where I should put my attention. Now I know that when I pursue my dreams I have to pursue them with a voracity, a passion and not let anyone deter me from what I want. I have a thicker skin  and I am willing to do what it takes to make that happen. I am stubborn and in this  case that is a good thing because I will make my dreams come true and so can you. 

Failure

Failure can be a dirty word in my book; it holds so many connotations to it. If someone says you are a failure, what does that evoke in your mind? It can evoke thoughts of not being good enough, that you will never accomplish what you set out to do. If you are repeatedly told this then do you tend to believe it? So what does failure mean? Failure according to the dictionary is a lack of success, an unsuccessful person, enterprise or thing, lack of success in passing an examination or test. Also, a lack of deficiency of a desirable quality, the action or state of not functioning, the collapse of a business.

If I give up on something does that mean I am a failure? Or if I decide I am not interested in doing something anymore does that make me a failure? Should I measure how much I have accomplished against what I haven't achieved to say whether I am a failure or a success? I have also heard failure is giving up. So  if I give up is that a bad thing? Does it depend on the situation? I only ask because I have thought of my self as a failure. How do I see failure as a good thing? Is it such a thing?

The best way I can look at failure is this: Failure is giving us a chance to try things out and see if they are things we like to do. Failure give us a chance to find better ways of doing things so we can succeed. It also lets us know what we don't like to do or want to do ever again. So am I a failure? Yes, at some things I am,  at others I am a success. Failure gives me a chance to find out who I am, what I like to do and what I never want to do again. Failure is not what I am, failure is just another word for success, because without failure we would never have success. Failure in many ways is a blessing, it gives us the chance to try again and make our drems come true.

Hello!

Recently I lost my grandmother, that really hit me hard. I had a couple of projects in pre-production and I have decided to put them all on hold for now. I decided to focus on me and deal with the loss of my grandmother and work on myself. So I have been thinking about starting a blog to have a place for all of the thoughts in my to go. Is it a good idea? I have no idea, but I am  going to commit to this and let you know what I am going through. Am I afraid to show you who I really am? I have to say yes, but it is important for me to be honest and true with my thoughts and feelings. So this is the first day of the journey and I am nervous, excited and uneasy about what it all means. So let's find out where I am going day by day, week by week and I am looking forward to sharing more of my life with you.